


Sleeping through September

by ghostdog9



Category: ChaoticMonki, Cry - Fandom, PewDiePie (YouTube RPF), The Late Night Crew, cryaotic, felix kjellberg - Fandom
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Childhood Trauma, Crying, Cutting, Depression, Dissociation, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Repressed, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lonely Cry, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Starvation, Trauma, Yaoi, YouTube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2018-06-08 22:07:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6875557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostdog9/pseuds/ghostdog9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cry is sad and isolated. Eventual Pewdiecry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where have you been?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction.. so yup. English isn't my first language so I'm sorry if the Grammar is kinda off sometimes. I try. Also, don't read this if you're easily triggered by descriptions of self-harm, depression etc. Stay safe everyone !!

I wake up and my bones ache sending me a signal to drink some water. When I stand up my everything starts spinning and my vision is blurry. But hey, it's not like I'm not used to it. I'm used to everything in my life by now. I rarely step foot out of this tiny apartment. I walk into the kitchen to feed my cat, which is the only form of interaction with an existing being I've had in weeks. That is, if the cashier at the store I go to once a month doesn't count. My cat mews at me and I honestly feel sorry for the poor guy. He has to live in this smelly 2 room apartment with me, a trash bag. I feel like I would go insane without him, though. Selfish I know. "There ya go, lil buddy. Eat up." He rubs up against my leg as if to say "thank you". I continue my morning routine by taking a cold shower. My bathroom is dimly lit, so the hollow expression on my face when I look into the mirror gives me the creeps. I honestly don't know what I've become at this point and I probably shouldn't think about it too much. Overthinking gives me headaches. I inspect my pale, slender form in the mirror and unwrap the white bandages on my arms. My uncombed hair carelessly hangs over my forehead into my once blue eyes. I used to sport a completely different look, but I've been too anxious to visit a hairdresser so I cut it myself. I hesitantly step into the shower and turn the temperature down. A weird thing I do is sit in the shower, criss cross applesauce. Once, I even fell asleep. I sit until my body feels numb enough. 

A few hours later I decide to record a new gaming video. It's been a while... three months to be exact. The reason being simply a lack of motivation. Sleeping 15 hours a night and eating nothing but ramen noodles probably doesn't help my drowsiness either. I'm missing the cable that I need to record the footage. Time for a scavenger hunt! Exciting. My first guess is the drawer under my desk, and BINGO! There it is, buried under a photograph of Felix and Edgar he sent me for my birthday last year. I can't feel my mouth. I have spent a lot of time repressing any sort of memory reminding me of my friends, especially Felix. I'm tired of second guessing every word I say once it leaves my mouth so I have decided to stop speaking to people in its entirety. My friends were trying to reach out to me at first, but slowly everyone seemed to forget about me. It's like I didn't even exist in the first place. Russ runs the streams now, and the crew just plays without me. I watch the streams every once in awhile. I was content with this for a few weeks, no more self doubting and crippling social anxiety but turns out having nobody makes you feel incredibly isolated. Shocker! I look at the picture for a few more moments before turning back to my monitor. I don't want to be alone anymore, I am slowly going insane, the presence of my cat isn't enough anymore. My friends probably hate me for ignoring them anyways, but it's worth a try? Making a q&a video instead of a regular gaming video seems to suit the situation better. I open twitter and ask my followers to send me some questions. Immediately I am bombarded with questions on where I've been, and if I'm ok. I'm filled with instant regret, but I know I owe everyone an explanation.  
"Hi, it’s me. It's probably weird as fuck hearing my voice after three months of silence, but here I am. I was originally planning on recording some gameplay but I feel like you guys would rather know where I've been." I decide not to go into vivid detail as to why I was actually gone, but just explaining how unmotivated I am. I mean, I don't want the entire internet to know how Pathetic I am. 

-Felix' point of view-

I wake up with Maya's entire body weight on my arm, cutting off my blood circulation. I gently push her off me and check my phone to see a youtube notification I wouldn't have ever expected. "Cry has just uploaded a video: Updates,man." After watching the video I know something is wrong. His voice sounds so weak. I want to talk to him. It's not like I haven't tried skype calling him the entire time he was gone, but this just confirms my worries. I log onto Skype and see a little green circle next to Cry's name, so I video call him immediately. It rings for about 30 seconds before his video bubble pops up in front of me. I see his familiar mask with the two black eyes and the line for a mouth stare back at me, long, brunette strands of hair sticking up behind it.  
"Cry! I've tried calling you for weeks. What the hell happened to you?"  
He clears his throat. "Um, Hey. Did you watch my latest video? I eh, explained everything in there." I see him look at the floor nervously.  
"I did but, no offense, but being lazy isn't really an excuse for ignoring your friends for weeks." That came out harsher than expected, but I have a right to be mad.  
"I know. I'm sorry. I really am. I just..." He trails off looking into space.  
"Cry, dude, you still with me?" Suddenly I feel sad. He looks so hopeless, even though he's wearing a mask, I can tell he's not the old Cry.  
"Yeah, hi." He laughs. It sounds so unnatural. "I've got to go, I'm sorry." And with that he ends the Skype call. I breathe out not realizing I was holding my breath.


	2. Chapter 2: My business

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has descriptions of Self-harm. Don't read if this is triggering to you.

Cry's Pov:

My chest feels heavy and every breath I take feels like there is never enough air filling my lungs. I know this isn’t a panic attack, though. I haven’t gotten one of those ever since I have actually lost interest in my well being. I am well aware this is my fault and Felix has a right to be mad. But for some reason, I don’t care. There is this emptiness coursing through my veins. All of my memories feel like they are far away from me, I feel completely disconnected with my former self. Every yesterday feels like it's years ago and all of my thoughts are stuck in this infinite cluster of gum and slimy stuff like looking through a smudged lens or something. My emotions are wrapped in a thick layer of cotton, far away from my reach. Not caring has always been my problem. Rational and logical thoughts always seeming more important than my emotions. Right now, there is nothing there. Just a tight chest and glazed eyes. As much as I know I’m better off this way, protecting myself from my old toxic thoughts, I miss my old self. Myself that cared about if I had gotten enough food and exercise, myself that cared about my personal relationships and keeping up to other people's standards, trying, you know? But now I’m just an empty vessel. 

I walk into my bathroom, and open my first aid kit that I keep in the bathroom cabinets. The bathroom smells sterile, my favorite smell. I take out the blade I keep hidden in the box of bandaids. It feels cold and familiar in my pale hands. I look at my forearm and the neat thin lines that linger on my wrist, all the way up to the crook of my elbow. I never cut deep, because that is not the point, for me at least. I carefully add about five horizontal lines to the already existing ones from a few days ago. The blood pools on my forearm, and I watch it running down to my wrist. For a moment, I feel like my old teenage self again, from the moment the police officer knocked at the door at 1 am, delivering the news of my parents dying in a car crash to the moment I dropped out of high school. It’s all real again. And here I am, sobbing my guts out, trembling, feeling the loneliness consume me once again. 

Felix' Pov:

Dumbfounded, I look at the button Cry’s Skype name turning from green to red, signaling that he is now offline. Confused and slightly annoyed I turn off the monitor. I check Cry’s Twitter to see if he has said anything else.   
“@CryWasTaken: Thanks for all the support on my video, love you nerds.”   
He tweeted this right after uploading the video and It just sounds like an average Cry tweet. Maybe I’m overreacting. Surely, if Cry wanted my help, he would talk to me. He has other friends that are closer to him anyways.  
I try to go on with my day as I normally would, but my gut keeps telling me there is something wrong. “Felix, it's none of your business.” is what I tell myself over and over throughout the day. But, if there is anything I have learned from my mom, It's that you should always trust your gut. I decide to send Russ a Skype message. 

“Hey man… I know I’m probably overreacting, but I’m worried about Cry. Have you recently spoken to him?”

It only takes about five minutes for him to reply.

“Hi. No, if watching his video doesn't count, then not. He won't speak to any of us. I’ll hit you up if he does though.”

“Thanks, Russ.”

“No problem.”

Does this mean, he spoke to me instead of his best friend? Okay, this officially makes it my business. Maybe if I publicly tweet him, he has no choice but to reply. 

Cry‘s Pov:

The bathroom tiles are cold and hard so I stand up and walk back into my room after some quality self-loathing time. I chuckle at how pathetic my life has become. I reluctantly check my phone to see if anyone had bothered texting me. Sure enough, I see a tweet. 

“@pewdiepie: @CryWasTaken glad you’re back buddy. Missed ya.” 

I have to reply, as much as I don’t want to after that incredibly awkward Skype call. At least I know that he isn’t that mad at me. 

“@CryWasTaken: @pewdiepie Thanks, pewds.”  
As soon as I post that tweet I get a DM. He obviously didn’t want me to have an excuse for not DMing him back, so he made me come online with that tweet. I open his DM.

“I know that last Skype call was kind of awkward, and I’m sorry for being rude. You obviously have a reason for not talking to any of us, and I am genuinely concerned about you. Please give me another chance and call me.”

“Please don’t worry about me, Felix. I know I owe you that call. I’m going online now.”  
Soon after that I hear the familiar Skype ringtone. 

 

Felix’ POV:

I quickly call Cry as soon as I read his message. Once again, I see his mask and messy brown hair sticking up from behind it. This time he’s wearing a scarf. I can’t help but smile, seeing his skinny frame wrapped in that big beige scarf. It’s adorable. 

“Hello again.”

“Hiya Felix.”

“You look comfy in that scarf and with comfy I mean cute.” I say, making a weird attempt at cheering him up. He chuckles. There it is. His old Cry laugh. 

“Thanks, man. So what’s up? I never got around to asking you how you are.” 

“I’ve been ok. Nothing exciting happened in the past few months. How about you?” I try to make the question sound innocent. He clears his throat. 

“Me too.” He says hesitantly. “I.. you know. Have been busy.” He lies. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

“With what exactly?”

“You got me.” He laughs awkwardly, staring into space again. Why does he keep being so distant? “Look, I know you’re confused as to where I’ve been, and why I have been gone. To be completely honest, It’s hard for me to talk about this. It’s weird. We never used to talk this seriously.” He ruffles his hand through his hair and I get an idea. 

“Let’s play a game.”

“I don’t really feel like playing video ga-”

“That’s not what I mean. Like twenty questions or something.” We both laugh at this, but we agree on it being a good idea.

“Me first.” Cry announces. “What is something embarrassing that nobody knows about you?” 

“Wow, Cry. I can’t believe I’m about to admit this but… I can’t swim. There, I said it.” He bursts out laughing with his Cry laugh that I didn’t even realize I missed this much. 

“How? Do the Swedish kids never go swimming? Dude. Thats messed up.” We both laugh for a good minute. 

“No, I’m just scared of water and stuff like that. My turn! What was the weirdest thing you’ve done as a kid?” I swear I could see Cry’s smile fade for a second. Even though he’s still wearing that mask, I can tell from his body language. 

“I played video games all day. I was a lazy ass kid.” 

“Well obviously nothing has changed.” We start laughing again.

“No but seriously, that’s not weird enough, I mean, I did that too.” 

“There was this time when I was 7 or 8, I didn’t talk for 5 months. Not even to my parents. I don't know why I did that... Weird enough for you?” That was the first time, Cry revealed anything about his childhood to me.

“Oh.” I say, not sure how to respond to that. 

“It's not a big deal.” We sit in silence for about 30 seconds. Right as I am about to say something because I think Cry has zoned out on me again he says: “My turn!” I smile. 

“Have you ever been in love?” 

“I’m not sure.”

“What about Marzia?” I frown. I never told him what happened and he obviously wasn’t keeping up to date with my youtube channel.

“We um- we ended things.” I can’t help but to look down at my lap. It’s hard to talk about the breakup, even though I was the one who broke up with her. 

“I’m sorry, Felix. I know it’s none of my business but what happened?”

“We were having a lot of arguments and I was just done with it. Our feelings for eachother just kind of faded away, I guess.” Cry nods. 

“My turn. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?” 

“I’ve never been to Europe, so somewhere in that area maybe. I’ve never thought about it.” 

“Oh my god. I just got the best Idea ever. I am a genius.” 

“You sure about that?” He chuckles.

“Hey! I’m being serious right now.” I look at him angrily. After a few seconds of silence we both burst into laughter.

“Listen Cry, you should come visit me in the UK.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! Thanks for the Kudos on my last one. Exams are stressing me out, but I just had to get this chapter out of my mind. If you people have final exams coming up too, I wish you all good luck and stuff, if not, then good luck anyways.


	3. Three Options

Cry’s Pov:

“Listen Cry, you should come visit me in the UK.” He suggests as if it were an easy task. I genuinely do not know how to phrase my next few words, because I know for a fact, that I can’t ever do that. A part of me knows that answering honestly would probably be the healthiest option, but surprisingly, I’m not as rational as I thought I was. 

“Wow. Man, that would be…” I look away. Why am I so fucking incompetent? “It would be great. But, I can’t.”

“Why not?” He sighs. I stare at my fingers resting on my lap, like they are the most interesting pieces of art I have ever seen.

“I can’t pay for that, I’m sorry. I also wouldn’t know what to do with my cat... Speaking of, I have to feed it. Poor baby. Talk to you later, alright?” Felix rubs his face with his hands in utter frustration. 

“Wait. Cry, can you just stop trying to bullshit every single one of your friends? We’re trying to fucking help you, but we don’t even know what we're trying to help you with. I know you’re lying, it’s pretty obvious because you’re not very good at it. Someday, we’ll be tired of hearing the same soggy ass excuses from you, because, let’s face it, that update video was exactly that. You know what? If you don’t want to fucking open up to anyone that is completely up to you, but don’t complain if no one asks you about your day anymore.” I freeze in shock, hurt, but knowing everything he just said was completely accurate. I close my eyes, taking a few seconds to plan out my answer, when Felix ends the call. 

It feels like all of my energy has been drained out of my body, and my limbs feel like jelly. I walk over to my bed and crawl under my messy sheets, trembling and heart pounding. I missed him, and I miss my other friends. But, I didn’t have this deep despair in my ribcage when I kept to myself. I imagine myself floating away inside a huge soap bubble, I elevate further and further into the atmosphere, until the void swallows my broken bones. I lay there, until I inevitably drift off into a deep slumber. 

The sound of my stomach grumbling wakes me up. I check the time to see how long I have slept (13 hours) when Felix’ comment pops up in my mind. I drag myself over to the kitchen to eat some dry cereal and I come up with three options:  
1\. Go back to never speaking again.  
2\. Confess the truth to Felix.   
3\. Lay on the kitchen floor, wait until I dehydrate and suffer a painful death. 

I waver on option three for a few seconds, but knowing that option two was the only way I could ever come close to being sane, it is my first choice. I take a big handful of cereal and make my way over to my computer. When I finally muster up the courage, I call Felix without checking if he’s online.

 

Felix’ Pov:

I hear a weak voice saying “I’m sorry.” 

“Cry.” I yawn remembering my outburst yesterday.

“I know you were right. I’m done masking what I really think.” I let out a chuckle and he sighs realizing he’s made a stupid pun. 

“Go on.” I gesture.

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Tell me why you can’t visit.” He nods hesitantly. 

“I can’t breathe when I’m around other people. This conversation alone makes me feel dizzy.” 

“You have- what’s it called again? Social phobia or something like that?” 

“I guess so. I’m sorry.” I feel my heart hurt at his apology. 

“Don’t be.” His hands shakily tuck some of his stray hair behind his ear. “When was the last time you actually left your apartment?”

“I honestly can’t remember.” There's about 30 seconds of silence. I study his masks black eyes, when I come up with another idea, that is hopefully not as shit.

“I could visit you in Florida?” 

“If you’re actually up for it, I'd like that.” Cry answers surprisingly fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that nothing really happened in this chapter. More to come.


	4. White knuckles

Cry’s Pov:

I wake up out of my usual 15 hour long nap thinking it’s just a usual day and groan. Being unhealthily dependent on my phone, I immediately reach over to my bedside table and check my messages. A reminder pops up and I freeze. It reads: “Pick Pewds up from the airport at 16:00”. Oh yea, that’s still a thing. I have around 3 hours to get the house ready and contrary to my usual self, I get a sudden burst of motivation. I clean my entire apartment in about an hour and I’m surprised as to how well I was handling this situation. 

After the house is clean, I decide that I should probably take a shower too. Once again, I undress and shiver staring at my reflection. Instant regret coursing through my veins as the negative thoughts start rushing in. I step into the shower and turn the temperature of the water all the way down. I need to wake up and focus. The water serves as a distraction for the next half hour but as I am deciding on what to wear the doubts come back. With heavy footsteps, I return to the bathroom. A few cuts later, I can feel the blood rushing back into my brain. Maybe I'm not handling this situation as well as I thought. 

 

Felix’ Pov:

I retrieve my suitcase and make my way over to the meeting point Cry and I had discussed. I know I shouldn’t care, but I secretly wonder if he is wearing that mask of his. I don’t think any of his friends have ever even seen his face, so I don’t have high hopes. Something about him just makes me unbelievably curious. There are so many questions that I have never asked him because we aren’t comfortable enough with each other. 

The airport is crowded and I nearly got trampled by a swarm of men in suits rushing to their business meetings. Without even realizing it, I look for someone in a green hoodie because that’s how Cry looks like in his fan art. I unlock my phone to send him a message asking where he is when I feel a light tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see a white face staring back at me and I let out a noise of surprise. Embarrassed at what just came out of my mouth, It takes me about 10 seconds to realize who is standing in front of me. 

“Oh, shit! Is it really you?” I ask in disbelief.  
“Unfortunately.” He laughs. We both stand there awkwardly for a few seconds until I decide to pull him into a hug. I drown in his huge navy blue sweater, that’s doing a great job of hiding Cry’s slim frame underneath it. Once we pull away I get a better glance at my friend. He is on the smaller side but his legs look long in proportion to his torso. What a weird thing to think. I say the first thing that comes to mind.

“Cry! I know I’m not the tallest guy out there, but you’re fucking tiny.” He shifts from one leg to another. His cold mask conceals what he is thinking and I’m not sure If I just offended him. 

“Not in a bad way or anything.” 

“It’s all good.” Cry has only said four words since arriving here and somehow it seems like he is incredibly uncomfortable.

“Let’s make our way over to my place.”

“Sure thing.” 

On the way home he only speaks once when we drive past a dog and he wants me to look at it. It was a comfortable silence. I try to study his features, but the mask is covering his entire face. I can only see his boney fingers gripping the steering wheel, noticing how white his knuckles are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait and thanks for all the Kudos you left whilst I was gone. Hope you liked this brief update.


	5. Pathetic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the lack of updates. This ones a little longer.

Cry’s Pov:   
Why am I so incredibly awkward to be around? And why am I still asking myself? I haven't even been able to make conversation with Felix this entire car ride. The closer we get to my apartment, the more anxious I get. What is if my presence is boring him? What is if he thinks I’m disgusting? What is if my apartment is too small or he feels uncomfortable in it? What is if he feels obligated to visit because he's pitying me? I tighten my grasp on the steering wheel. 

We reach our destination and when I try to help Felix with the suitcase he chuckles: “I think it’s faster if I just carry it.”  
I let out a forced laugh. I know it was just a harmless joke but to me it meant more than that. It meant that he’s realized how fat and weak I am. The familiar feeling of embarrassment and being completely pathetic overwhelms me, because I’m completely out of breath when we reach the top of the staircase leading to my apartment’s door. 

“Well, here we are.” I awkwardly mumble as we enter. 

“Don’t you want to give me a house tour?” He smiles.

“Theres like 3 rooms.” 

“C’mon! Show me some hospitality man.” 

“Alright.” I gesture him to follow me. 

“This is the kitchen.” I point to the small kitchen with some clumsily arranged chairs next to it. He opens a random cabinet and starts laughing.

“Dude, do you only ever eat Ramen? I’m gonna have to cook you a real meal soon.”

“Hey. Whats wrong with Ramen? Stop shaming me.” We both laugh. 

“This is the living room.” We walk into a small room, furnished with a small Ikea couch and a TV. The couch has a blanket and a cushion on it. Felix immediately jumps on it.

“Comfy. So this is my room for the next few weeks right?”

“Actually, you should sleep in my bedroom. I can’t have you sleeping on a couch... You clearly need your beautysleep.” I joke.

“Roasted!” He laughs, “You’re right but you should sleep in your bed. You seem tired and I really don’t want to be a burden.”

“No, what kind of a host would I be if-”   
“Shut up.” He grins.

“Alright.” I shrug. “I’ll make us both some coffee whilst you unpack. You want sugar or milk in it?”  
“Sounds good. Just sugar, thanks.” He gives me a warm smile and my heart starts beating faster. I nod. On my way to the kitchen, I realize I feel chilly so I put on the scarf that my grandma made for me. He clearly doesn’t mind my miserable excuse for a home, but that doesn’t stop me from doubting myself. 

Felix’ Pov:  
I unpack my things and try to form a solid opinion on the real life Cry. His personality isn’t all that different from how I know him on the internet but he does seem much quieter. I’ve never really saw him as the outgoing type, but I feel like he’s in drowned in his own thoughts a lot. Distant. I’m going to try and get to open up a bit more. I have this weird feeling of wanting to know everything about him. I roll my eyes at myself realizing how much of a creep I am. 

Cry enters the room holding a tray with two cups of coffee balancing on it. He’s wearing that huge scarf again. I retrieve my coffee and thank him. We sit on the floor in front of the couch, staring at the black screen of the TV and slurping the hot beverage.   
“Aren’t you hot in that big sweater and scarf?” I ask stirring the black brew. Cry crosses his legs.  
“No, not really.” He answers quietly, setting down the coffee and reaching for the remote. “Do you wanna watch some TV?”   
“No. Let’s be social and have a conversation.” I chuckle. He nods picking at the ends of his sleeves. I cringe at myself, remembering our skype conversation about his social anxiety. “Fuck, I’m sorry I didn’t” mean to-”  
“I know you didn’t. You don’t have to treat me like glass, I can handle myself.” He says coldly. His tone of voice completely contrasting his insecure body language. I nod not knowing what to say.   
“I don’t want to sound rude, but why did you actually want to come here?” I’m starting to hate that mask of his, I can’t read his face at all.   
“I-um. I wanted to see what’s up. I guess, I wanted to help you out and ya know, be there for you and shit.” I stutter not knowing what to think of this sudden mood change. 

 

Cry’s Pov.  
“Right. Help me with what exactly? I told you I’m alright. It’s not that I don’t want you here, It’s just… I don’t know.” I don’t want to be a burden, I want to say. Here I go, being pathetic again.   
“Sorry. I know it’s weird because sure, we’ve been friends for a long ass time, but we never used to talk about serious stuff. But since you asked, I don’t know what I want to help you with because you keep denying something's wrong when, like I said earlier, it's just a bad act. Just know that I genuinely care about you, and I’ll keep on telling you that until you get it. Fuck, I’m sorry for being awkward.” 

I feel a lump forming in my throat and I my chest feels heavy. I look up at his serious face scan it for any signs of sarcasm. My body is rejecting any sort of affection as a defense mechanism. When I was younger, my mom would always shower me with affection the morning after one of her episodes, or after a weekend at my dad’s place. Her kind words losing their meaning over the years. I feel myself completely shutting down. 

“Oh.” I say because that's all my body is allowing me to say at the moment.  
“Why are you shaking? Are you still cold?” I nod and get up with unsteady knees to turn up the heater. I sit back down and Felix starts rambling about how Florida is never cold but when he shows up there’s frost everywhere and about how it's always raining in the Uk. I shut my eyes trying to calm myself down but the trembling won’t stop. I zone out completely until I feel a small poke on my arm.

“Buddy, you still with me?” Felix asks.  
“Mhm. Go on.” I say shakily and I curse myself at how weak I sound, once again.  
“I don’t remember what I was saying.” He admits. I try to snap out of it but I just can’t. Once I start it doesn’t stop until I get exhausted and fall asleep or go back into that bathroom and paint the sink red. 

“Cry you look really heated and are still shaking? Are you sick or something? We should really check if you have a fever.” God damnit Felix why are you being such an idiot, I’m on the verge of a panic attack. He reaches over with his hand towards my forehead and I can’t help but flinch. I pull my knees towards my chest and bury my head in them, the mask pressing up against my nose.   
“What are you doing, I’m trying to check your temperature, not trying to hurt you or anything.” I feel like a fucking manchild.   
“I’m not sick.” I mumble. I assume, that’s when he finally understands because he pulls me into a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its 3am so there's probably some mistakes but yea. Goodnight :) I hope this was ok.


	6. Breathing Exercises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is later than I promised it would be. I tried to make it a bit longer to make up for it. Hope you like it! Leave a comment :) !! Goodnight.

Felix’ POV:

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on, but Cry is obviously very upset. I pull him out of our hug and hold him by his shoulders.  
“What’s going on?” I ask hesitantly. I don’t have much experience in comforting people, usually I am the one being comforted. Cry isn’t answering and it seems like he isn’t breathing right. I remember the yoga class Marzia dragged me into a couple months ago, they demonstrating some relaxing breathing exercises.  
“Cry, copy me.” I take a deep breath in and hold it for 4 seconds and breathe out for another 4 seconds. I do this a couple of times until Cry catches my drift.   
We sit there for about 3 minutes and it seems to be working for Cry. To be honest, I just feel really dizzy when we both start breathing normally again. A couple moments later I start hiccuping. I hear Cry giggling behind his mask and I feel proud of myself for a split second. 

Cry’s POV: 

I am stunned. Usually, I can’t stop this shit from happening, without using an unhealthy method. Tears are welling in my eyes and are threatening to spill over.   
“Cry...” I can tell Felix is unsure of himself.  
“I have to sort myself out, I’ll be right back.” Felix opens his mouth as to say something and then shuts it again. 

In the bathroom, I take off my mask and wipe my eyes. I feel like throwing up but there’s next to nothing in my stomach. Instead, I splash my face with cold water, ruffle my hand through my hair and straighten out my clothes. Before leaving back to the living room, I make sure to bang my thigh against the edge of the sink. I’m more or less collected. 

“I’m sorry for that, I didn’t mean to scare you or anything.” I say in a monotone voice, trying to sound less emotionally unstable (if that’s even possible at this point.)

Felix’ POV:

It was when he said this, that I realized that I have to fix him for sure.   
“I can’t believe you feel the need to apologize.” I say quietly.   
“I- yea. I don’t really know what to say.” He sat down leaning against the heater. I wanted to ask him if his panic attack had been my fault, but something told me that he didn’t want to talk about it. I look at Cry sitting there, probably worried as hell. He’s fiddling with his hands, his knees against his chest and his sweater pulled over them. His pale complexion contrasting the dark blue sweater… he looks like art. What the fuck are you thinking about, Felix.   
“Hey, do you mind if I take a shower? I feel gross from the plane ride.” I ask.  
“Yeah go ahead.” He answers still focused on his fingers.  
“Thanks, man.”  
I take the towel out of my suitcase and make my way over to the bathroom. My thoughts are all over the place and I know I have to clear my mind before I can understand Cry’s. I go to turn on the water, and notice that the handle is turned all the way to the coldest temperature. Jesus Christ, no wonder Cry’s cold all the time, he takes the coldest showers ever. I adjust the handle to normal temperature, and once the water hits my back, I feel relieved. A couple minutes later I step out of the shower and draw a little smiley on the fogged up mirror. It’s an embarrassing habit of mine. 

Cry’s POV:  
Pewds comes back into the living room, visibly more comfortable.   
“Do you wanna go out and grab some food?” He asks with a wide grin (an attempt at cheering me up?). His hair is still damp, and a tiny bead of water drops down from his fringe, onto his lip.   
“Cry?”  
“Sorry did you say?”   
“Do you want to go out and eat?” He says exaggerating every word. I roll my eyes at him, only later realizing that he can’t see my eyes. Dummy.   
“I’m not really hungry. If you want to we can order something?” I’d rather die than eat something right now.   
“Sounds good. I’m craving some pizza right now.”

About an hour and a Pizza later, Felix and I are sitting in front of my TV and playing some video game. Our moods have changed, it feels like a regular gaming session with Pewds and I’m happy the awkwardness is out of the room.  
“This is getting boring man, let's watch a movie or something.” Felix yawns after a while. It’s gotten pretty late.   
“You’re just saying that because you’re losing.”   
“What sort of a little bitch do you think I am?” We both laugh.   
“No but seriously,” He continues, “I just wanna chill for a bit.”  
“Alright. How about we start a TV show together?” I suggest.  
“How about Sherlock? Everyone goes on about how good it is. I wanna see for myself.”   
“Nice, I’ve seen it, but nice.” About half an hour into the first episode, Felix gets all fidgety and restless. When I look at him he looks away. 

“You ok?” I ask.  
“Yea, why?”   
“Nevermind.”  
About 10 minutes pass until he finally says something.   
“Cry?”  
“Hm?”  
“Was the panic attack my fault?” I stare intently at the screen to avoid looking at him.  
“No.”   
“Because if it was, it's totally fine if you want me to leave like, if I'm causing any problems I want y-”  
“It wasn’t your fault.”  
“What was it then?” Ironically, Felix caring only made things worse. I feel horrible for thinking that, but he just makes things seem more real. Its like the bubble I have spent months constructing is popping. However, Felix is obviously not gonna back down, he came here from the UK for a reason, and there’s no point in lying to myself thinking it was to spend some quality friendship time with me. God, I’m lonely.   
“It’s harder to talk about this than you might think.” Felix looks defeated. I feel a wave of guilt rushes over me.  
“I’ll try,” I add. He looks up at me and gives me a small smile.  
“Look, there’s no other way of saying this, but I had a pretty rough childhood. I don’t want to make this seem like a sob-story or anything. I’ve mentioned that my parents… are no longer alive, but I’ve never told anyone about what it was like to live with them before, um, the incident.” I feel my chest tighten and every word I say is physically exhausting. I’m not even sure if my sentences are coherent at this point. I can tell Felix is trying his best to comfort me, he is sat down next to me and is leaning against me slightly.   
“Right so as I was saying…” I stop talking and look at pewds, him returning my glance.  
“Yea?”   
“I um. I don’t know.” I whisper shakily.  
“What is it?”  
“I don’t want your pity and I don’t want you to think I’m- like pathetic, I guess. I’m a grown man, I shouldn’t be like,” I pause for a second. “This.”  
“I didn't travel all this way to judge you, I just want to help you get better.”  
“What is if,” Felix tilts his head to the side, in question. “Nevermind.” I don’t want to get better. I was fine before any of his happened. Right?

Felix’ Pov:  
Cry is sitting there, unmoving and I feel a clump in my throat. I was never an overly empathetic person, but right now it's hitting me hard.   
“As you were saying?” I try.   
“Hm. So my relationship between my parents and I wasn’t all that healthy. You were being all caring and shit and I’m not used to it and I guess that just made some old memories resurface.” Cry was talking quite quickly as if to get it over with.  
“I didn’t mean for that to happen. Sorry, Cry.” I said quietly.   
“Stop. I’m just being overly sensitive, you were just being a good friends but my ass just can't handle affection.” He laughs tiredly. I don’t know what to say so I just give him an awkward side hug. I feel his body go limp in my arms. What the hell? Did he just fall asleep? I hear a small snore-ish noise from behind the mask and start to chuckle. I don’t want to wake him up so I decide to just carry him to the bedroom. I pick up his small frame. I don’t know if I should be worried at how light he is. I walk over to his room, and lay him down on his bed. His cat is curled up on a pillow next to him. I pet its soft furr and look down at cry. I don't want to seem creepy, but knowing how easily cry gets cold, so I cover him with his blanket. Does Cry sleep with his mask on? Probably not. The urge to reach over and just pull that thing off of him is admittedly quite strong, however I respect his choice of not revealing himself to me. Yet?


	7. Don't Worry About It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This lowkey sucks but here's a chapter after like 2 months. I'm sorry!!! Anyways, enjoy.

Cry´s Pov:

 

My legs are tangled in something warm and cosy, and my head is resting on a hard surface. I open my eyes and find myself in my room, with my mask on and covered in my blanket. I yawn recalling yesterday’s evening. Pewds must have carried me to bed. I have a mini heart attack. Did he look under my mask? Oh my god. I rush out of my room, and my vision goes black for a few seconds as all my blood drains from my head. I grab a hold of the nearest object to not pass out. 

 

“Woah there, Cry. You ok?”  
As my sense of sight comes back from the war, I realize what I’ve been holding on to. I quickly remove my hand from Felix’ chest. I feel myself turning crimson red under the mask. This mask thing may be weird for others but honestly it saved my life countless times. 

 

“Felix… Good morning. I stood up too fast and I felt dizzy. Hahah.” I stammer out awkwardly.   
“Stop being weird and have some of the breakfast I made.” He laughs.   
“Breakfast? I would hardly call the ramen I had left ove-”  
“PSH! Follow me.” Pewds interrupts me. I do as I’m told and follow him into the kitchen.  
“You’ve been sleeping until past noon, so I’ve gone grocery shopping and what not. I got bored. Anyways, help ya self.” Felix grins.  
“Damn, I’m so sorry! You should have just woken me up… Thank you for this.” I have a really hard time expressing my joy, but I try.   
“When I checked up on you, you looked so peaceful.”  
I just stare at him as he gestures for me to eat. I nod and go for the pancake. I would honestly rather not be eating in front of him. I’ve also never eaten with the mask on. I push it up a bit so my mouth is free. The thing is, the eyeholes have moved up too, so I can’t see shit. Plus, I don’t want Pewds to see my busted lips. I hear Felix laughing at my struggle.

“Do you mind?” I chuckle.  
“You’ve obviously haven’t thought this through.” I adjust my mask into the right position and I see Felix smiling at me. I sigh because he’s just so adorable. Oh my god, Cry. Get a grip.   
“I think I’m just gonna leave and let you eat. Cry, you’re such a fucking legend.” He laughs as he exits the room. 

 

Felix’ Pov  
I lay down on the couch, and scroll through Twitter while Cry is eating. Honestly, the time I’ve spent with Cry so far, has been a fucking blessing. He’s just so pure and wholesome. I look up as I see a freshly-clothed Cry, wearing a white hoodie and black skinny jeans.   
“Get off the couch you lazy ass.” He slurs in his usual ‘Cry is tired’ voice.   
“You were the one sleeping for over 12 hours, sloth ass.” I say as I roll off the couch.   
Cry steps over me and sits down looking at his phone. I get up and sit on the couch next to him. He looks so fragile sitting there, holding his phone in his long boney fingers. I muster him for a minute, getting a closer look at my friend. I can’t help it. He looks at me and tilts his head in confusion.  
“Oh it nothing. I was just thinking how crazy it is to finally see you in person.” I look down in slight embarrassment.  
“Yea. Who would’ve thought. You’re pretty boring in person.” Cry chuckles.  
“Hey.”  
“It’s PEWDIEPIE!” Cry imitates my intro.  
“Shut up!” I laugh pushing him lightly. He pushes me back and I land on the ground once again, but not without clinging on to Cry, pulling him down with me. We land with a loud thud as Cry lands on me. He shrieks trying to get off.   
“Oh my god. Are you ok? My weight must’ve crushed your ribs. Fuck.” I laugh thinking he’s being sarcastic, but he just sits there frozen, not laughing.   
“Cry, you’re joking right?” I hesitate.  
Cry just crosses his legs and starts fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater again.   
“Are you serious? No. How could you actually think that? Have you ever looked in a mirror?” I say almost angrily.  
“You don’t have to lie. I know what I look like. I’m overweight, and I’ve accepted that. Whatever, let's just move on.” He mutters.   
I don’t know what to say so I grab his fragile arm and just as I want to show him how i could loop my thumb and pointer finger around his wrist and still have a gap in between, he violently retracts his arm and holds it to his chest protectively.   
“I was just trying to show you how-”  
“Stop.” He says quitely.  
“It’s just, I can’t believe that you think you’re overweight. Cry, you’re by far the most fragile guy I’ve seen. How can you be this delusional?” Just then, a thought crawls into my mind that can’t go unaddressed. A guy can’t have that sort of a mindset without there being a deeper issue.   
“Have you… Have you been, you know, starving yourself?” 

 

Cry’s Pov:  
You can hardly call it starving yourself. I just think I don’t deserve food, so I don’t eat a lot. But I can hardly tell Pewds that. Fuck.   
“No.” I try to sound confident but it sounds like I’m asking. I realize that I’m still holding onto my arm from earlier. I awkwardly try to put it in a more relaxed position, when I notice something. The fabric is tinted pink around the wrist area. The cuts must’ve opened from Felix’ clumsy grab at my wrist. I have to get out of here before he notices.   
“No? Wait, Cry! Where are you going?”  
I walk into the bedroom and lock the door behind me. I toss the white hoodie on the ground and put on a dark green one.  
“I’m sorry.”  
I open the door and look at a worried Felix standing way too close to my face.   
“Don’t worry about it.”


	8. Mask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big things happen!

Felix’ POV:

I blink a couple times looking at Cry standing in the door frame.  
“Um… Why did you change sweaters?” I ask cautiously.  
“I was cold and I needed a warmer one.” He answers, his voice sounding almost automatic.  
When I try to glance into his bedroom, he blocks the view. My stomach is screaming that I should go in there, but then Cry says something I would’ve never expected.  
“Do you wanna go out?”  
“Umm I-”  
“Like for a walk or something… Or go for lunch?” I can feel myself blushing at misunderstanding his question. What the hell, Felix.  
“Yea. Let’s go.”  
I follow him to a park. We silently walk next to each other, to some italian restaurant. Being around Cry in public, I have noticed a couple of people giving him weird looks because of the mask, I assume. I look at him reading the menu, his hands look stiff, as if he’s grasping at the laminated paper.  
“Felix, I- Could you maybe order for me?” He looks down into his lap.  
“Of course. What do you want?”  
“A salad please.”  
-  
On the way home we get swallowed by a large group of tourists. They aren’t paying attention to where they are going. They are all taking pictures of some building on the other side of the road. I think nothing of it, until Cry suddenly grabs my hand. I look at him, and he looks like a small boy who needs protecting. So, I grab his hand harder and start walking faster to get him out of that human cluster.  
“Sorry bout that.” Cry states quietly.  
“No need.” I look down at his hand still intertwined with mine. When Cry let’s go we exchange a few embarrassed glances. Why am I wishing he would’ve held on a little longer.  
“We should get going.” Cry stammers.  
-  
We spend the rest of the day streaming and playing video games. It starts to get dark outside, as we sit next to each other, silently playing some indie game. Cry puts the controller down and looks at me.  
“Hey.”  
“Hi.”  
“Let’s stop playing and I’ll get us some tea.” Cry suggests.  
“Top notch hosting skills, Cry.” I laugh.  
“I know.”  
When he comes back and hands me the warm beverage our hands meet.  
“We should play another game like we did on Skype.” I suggest.  
“What are we girls at a middle school slumber party?” He laughs. I just shrug and give him a look.  
“Alright. How about we just talk, then.” I say carefully. I was thinking about the morning all day, and I needed a smooth way of asking him what’s going on.  
“What about?”  
“This morning." Smooth, Felix.  
“Oh.” He scoots back creating more space between us.  
“Please tell me what’s going on. The past few days here you’ve eaten nothing but a couple bites. And then there’s you storming into rooms all upset and coming back as if nothing happened. I guess we all have our secrets and I get it. Why should you tell me all about yours, when I don’t even share any of mine. Maybe I should tell you something about me, and then you can tell me something about you.” I ramble. He just stares.  
“Alright, so. Something I have never told anyone before is that... Oh man." I breathe in deeply. "My Mom has breast cancer. This is the first time I’ve said this out loud. I can’t handle the fact that she will die someday and saying it makes it so much more real. I don’t know.” I pause. “Cry. I feel pretty pathetic talking about my feelings to you like this. But what is more important is that I want to make it easier for you to talk to me.” I sigh finally having gotten that off my chest. I honestly have no idea where that came from. Maybe it’s because Cry reminds me of my childhood cat that I used to talk to when I felt like nobody else wanted to listen. She was just like him. Sitting, not answering. Just looking back at me, not judging. 

 

Cry’s Pov:  
I cover my masked face with my sweater fingers. I can’t have all these emotions cooking inside, threatening to spill into a giant mess. Fuck. I bite my cheeks as hard as I can, trying to come up with an answer. I look up at Felix, his face is flushed.  
“I’m very sorry. I'm sorry, I’m the only one you can tell this. And I’m sorry about your mother.” I swallow. My mouth is extremely dry.  
“Look. I want to be open, but-” I pull my legs to my chest. “I’m scared.” I whisper just loud enough that he can hear me.  
“Of what? Me?”  
“No, no, no. Anything but you. Please believe that. I just… I don’t want to feel anything. If I had a choice, I would cut out the part of my brain that processes emotions.” I say coldly. “If I talk about them, I might have to feel them and then I have no other choice but to go and…” I stop myself. Shut up cry! Shut up or you’ll wake them up.  
“And?” Felix reaches out for my hand as a gesture of comfort, I assume.  
“Go and shut it up.” I try to be vague.  
“You can’t live like this. You’re going to explode one day.”  
“Exactly my point.”  
“Maybe If you talk about it objectively, It won’t hurt as much.” He says slowly.  
“Maybe. You see, that mask is just another way of hiding all these fucking emotions. I don’t care about being recognized. I just want to be completely blank.” I can’t stop my words from spilling out of my throat.  
“You could try and take it off.” Felix scoots closer to my face and cradles my masked face with his hands.He could pull it off. It would only take a small movement. I put my hand on top of his. I close my eyes knowing this is the only way I might become less fucked up. Felix is right. He always is.  
“Do it.” My voice is shaking.  
“Are you sure?” He asks voice matching mine.  
“You told me your secret, I’ll show you mine.”  
I lift his hands with mine, and slide off the cold piece of porcelain. 

Felix’ POV:  
I hold my breath and the anticipation is killing me. His eyes are closed tightly and his eyebrows are furrowed. Any last molecule of oxygen is knocked out of me. He is so… So fucking beautiful. No, he’s exactly what I said before, art. He opens his big, marine blue eyes. I take in every detail of his face, his black and thick, but well kept eyebrows, clear pale face, his rosy plump lips and the inwardly curved bridge of his nose, his brown hair, messily falling onto his forehead. Fuck.  
“Hi.” Cry whispers.  
“Dude. How could you deprive the world of such a face.” Ahhhhhh! Shut up Felix.  
“Wow.” Cry breathes. He stands up looking a little disorientated.  
“I need a moment to get used to this.”  
“Of course you do, Cry. Sorry for overwhelming you there.” He closes his eyes and takes a few breaths.  
“I feel naked.” He laughs. Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so some people might have a problem with the way I portrayed Cry's looks. People are always going on about how the fanbase shouldn't portray Cry as some beautiful manga character, but the way I see it, his looks are important to the way my story goes. His face just has to kinda fit his aesthetic, ya feel? Also, this is in no way saying that Cry has to look like this for me to enjoy his content. Quite frankly, I don't care what he actually looks like because I love him either way. Alright, I'm gonna shut up now. Bye.


	9. Library

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back! After all my empty promisses to continue this story I started to feel guilty. Sorry for abandoning you, and I hope you will read this regardless. Thank you for all the lovely comments. Also, I know this chapter is a bit confusing and Cry's reaction might seem strange now but I'll explain everything next chapter.

Cry’s POV:  
The warm water runs over my numb knuckles as I wash the dishes. I sigh in slight remorse over my impulsive decision of a couple hours ago. Yes, I know it was inevitable. Covering my face was just a temporary fix for some deep rooted issues, but damn it was a comfortable one. I know I’m being dramatic, but I can literally feel a breeze brush my exposed face. I dry off my hands and make my way to the living room, where Felix is sitting on the couch with his legs crossed and my cat on his lap.  
“Wow, you two are really hitting it off aren’t you?” I yawn, booping the cat’s nose.  
“Yea. I guess I’m just irresistible.” Felix smirks. I glance up at him.  
“What’s the little guys name anyways?” He asks when he notices my eyes on him.  
“Yoshi.”  
“Awh. That’s actually kinda cute” He laughs.  
I smile at him. Oh god. I smile at him. I know, I do that all the time but it’s different. He can see me smiling at him. My smile seems stiff now. Every move I make seems awkward and rehearsed in my head. We chat about nothing for awhile and my self consciousness starts to get increasingly crippling. I know Felix is ready to talk about anything with me, and I trust him. I should trust him not to scrutinize my every move, then why do I feel so insecure.  
“I’m getting really tired,” I lie. “I might just hit the hay.”  
“Alright. Sweet dreams.” He kisses my left cheek. I blink at him and I swear my body did this without my permission but I take his hand and give it squeeze.

~ The Next Morning ~  
Today I feel… lost? Like I’m losing my grip? From what, though… It’s not like I was gripping to anything in the first place. I also feel a pain in my chest, but that’s nothing new. Ever since I’ve made a habit out of never eating, it’s been one of the many wonderful side effects. I hear a weak knock on the door.  
“Come in.”  
“Good Morning. I thought we could just chill in bed and watch a cartoon or something?” Felix suggests. He looks sleepy, wearing his oversized pj’s, and I can’t help but grin and the wholesomeness of his offer.  
“I would like nothing more.” I say sort of jokingly, even though I genuinely mean it. He doesn’t miss a beat and jumps under the sheets next to me and waits for me to start up my laptop. About an hour later I wake up the screen black and Felix’ face inches away from mine. His eyes are closed, yet his lashes are just as beautiful as the blue orbs hidden underneath. God, Cry. Could you be any cheesier. I want to close my eyes, incase he opens his, but in this case, the benefits outweigh the risks.  
“Oh. Hi.” Felix whispers. I think I spoke too soon. Maybe if I quickly close-  
“Don’t pretend you weren’t staring at me.” I clear my throat.  
“Uhm. Yea. G’morning.” Smooooth Cry. Smooth.  
“Good morning, again.”  
A few moments pass of us just staring. I cover my face with my hands.  
"Am I that ugly or has my double chin captivated you?" I joke trying to break the tension.  
Then Felix surprises me for the second time that morning.  
“Moments like these, I can feel my something inside me breaking for you.”  
“What are you talking about?” I whisper.  
He groans and turns on his belly, wiping the sleep out of his eyes.  
“Forget I said that.” He mutters as he leaves the room and me dumbfounded. I follow him into the kitchen biting my nails in anticipation.  
“What did you mean by that?” I sheepishly ask.  
“Please just drop it, I was being stupid.” His back is faced towards me as he is preparing coffee. It starts in my fingertips, a numbing sensation that goes all the way up to my scalp and into my brain. It’s as is I’m frozen in place but my mind is about two feet above my head staring down at me. I walk out of the kitchen into the bathroom, dragging my consciousness behind me like a helium balloon on a string. That makes no sense but that’s the only way I can put it into words. I lock the door and take my razor from its hiding spot, needing something to unscatter me. I bend my wrist towards me, examining the faint blue veins intersecting with harsh red cuts. As I add new scars to my collection, I notice something new. Guilt. Lots of it. I think of Felix in the kitchen, unknowing of my destructive habits and I can’t help but hate myself even more. I am the reason why he is breaking inside.

Felix Pov:  
I sip on my coffee, irritated at my foolishness. “Cry? Do you want some coffee?” I call, hoping to explain myself now that I’ve had my cafein. Nothing. “Cry?” Nothing. I can hear the sink running in the bathroom.  
“Are you in there? I need to talk to you.”  
“I’ll be out in a minute. A minute please.” He sounds weak, more so than usual. I get a gut feeling that whatever he’s doing in there can’t be good. I know that I shouldn’t invade his privacy like this, but I frankly didn’t care. So I open the door that was surprisingly unlocked. Cry is sitting on the floor beside the door, his arms protectively against his chest. His cheeks are stained with tears; the floor is stained with blood. His bangs are pushed back and his lips are trembling. He has never seemed so small looking up at me, eyes simultaneously angry and scared.  
“How dare you come in here and-”  
“Shut up.” I stop him, his eyes go wide. I kneel and go to grab on of his arms. He flinches back and tries to stand up but I hold him down as I get on top of him. My hands are on his wrists as I pin him to the floor, my face inches away from his. He turns his face to the left and closes his eyes. His body goes limp, his anger leaving through the vents and leaving behind a fragile boy.  
“You’re hurting me.” He whimpers. I quickly retract my hands, get off of him and sit leaning against the wall. He is lying on his back, knees bent towards the sealing with his feet on the floor. His arms stay unmoving over his head, his head still turned away from me. The pungent iron smell of the blood and bathroom cleaner making me dizzy, I continue my statement from this morning. “I feel my something inside me breaking. I don’t know if it’s my heart or every bone in my body. But I know it is breaking for you. I wish your mind was a library. All your thoughts arranged according to the duodecimal system. That way I could finally understand what the fuck is going on in your head.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you've liked it so far. I'm still figuring out how this website works, formatting etc. I'll try and post as regularly as possible. Anyways, hope you all have a good day/night.


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